with apologies to Monty Python

with apologies to Monty Python

A parliamentarian enters the House of Commons.

Mr. Harper: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The Prime Minister does not respond.)

Mr. Harper: 'Ello, Miss?

Prime Minister: What do you mean "miss"?

Mr. Harper: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Prime Minister: We're closin' for the Queen's visit.

Mr. Harper: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this government what I defeated not half an hour ago from this very House.

Prime Minister: Oh yes, the, uh, the Liberal government...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

Mr. Harper: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Prime Minister: No, no, it's uh,...it's resting.

Mr. Harper: Look, matey, I know a dead government when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Prime Minister: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable government, the Liberal Minority, idn'it, ay? Beautiful campaign promises!

Mr. Harper: The campaign promises don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Prime Minister: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!

Mr. Harper: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Liberal Government! I've got a lovely fresh cod fish for you if you show...

(Prime Minister hits the cage)

Prime Minister: There, it moved!

Mr. Harper: No, it didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

Prime Minister: I never!!

Mr. Harper: Yes, you did!

Prime Minister: I never, never did anything...

Mr. Harper: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO LIBBY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes government out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Mr. Harper: Now that's what I call a dead government.

Prime Minister: No, no.....No, it's stunned!

Mr. Harper: STUNNED?!?

Prime Minister: Yeah! You stunned it, just as it was wakin' up! Liberal Minorities stun easily, major.

Mr. Harper: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That government is definitely deceased, and when elected not a year ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged leadership campaign.

Prime Minister: Well, it's...it's, ah...probably pining for the Trudeaus.

Mr. Harper: PININ' for the TRUDEAUS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it fall flat on his back the moment I got into Parliament?

Prime Minister: The Liberal Minority prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable government, id'nit, squire? Lovely campaign promises!

Mr. Harper: Look, I took the liberty of examining that government when I got to Ottawa, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Prime Minister: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If the media hadn't nailed that government down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Harper: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this government wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!

Prime Minister: No no! It's pining!

Mr. Harper: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This government is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet the Governer General! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If the media hadn't nailed it to the perch it'd be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now 'istory! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-GOVERNMENT!!

(pause)

Prime Minister: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of democracy.

Mr. Harper: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Prime Minister: I got a slug.

(pause)

Mr. Harper: Pray, does it govern?

Prime Minister: Nnnnot really.

Mr. Harper: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Prime Minister: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Mr. Harper: Well.

(pause)

Prime Minister: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to Rideau Hall?

Mr. Harper: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.